Summer = Change

My daughter graduated in May and we are preparing for her to leave for college.  Facing the impending empty nest, I know that change cannot be avoided.  I begin asking myself questions like:

1)  What do I want to accomplish?

2)  Where do I see myself in 5 years?

3)  What dreams have I put on hold?

4)  What habits do I want to put into place?

5)  Where does my spirit song guide me?

I feel a bit lost to be honest.  I know I will teach as I enjoy it and it has purpose.  I've wanted to write consistently and eventually publish but I have let distractions to creep in.  I need good habits that will lead to this consistency.  And...well...there is that 270 pounds I need to face.  I need to put habits into place to reach that goal.  I need activity habits to break and to replace.  I need to change how I cook, both in quantity and quality.  I need to journal and face those demons.  My spirit song...guides me to desire order...not OCD order but to restore balance in my world.  I've been off balance tottering along for too long. 

Beginning...

It is easy to look at a fat woman and see someone who is slothful and glutinous.  It is much harder to see the beauty within that woman.  However, like many paths, many do not realize the struggles that have led to that state.  Pain, heartbreak, hiding, it is like building a protective shield around oneself.  In the end, though, that shield will constantly betray us and we find our heart breaking either poetically or physically.  

This is a healing blog.  I wish to convey my struggles with others as they might be facing the same twists and turns.  I am seeking weight loss but also the mental healing that lead to this state.  Today, I weigh 270 lbs.  I can only imagine the damage my heart is receiving as it struggles to support that amount of extra, shall we say stuffing?  I am five foot, five inches tall with a medium frame.  

I have always struggled with weight gain but in my youth I was able to get it off without too much effort.  Pregnancy led me to gain quite a bit of weight.  I reached 224 lbs during this journey to bring life into the world and lost very little of it when she was born.  My daughter will never be a source of regret as she brings light and joy in my world as well as strong wisdom.  Two years later I found myself divorced.  I then began losing weight.  However, this was not due to dieting.  This was a state of depression where I'd forget to eat and when I did it was something akin to a grilled cheese sandwich that was often burned because I'd forget I was cooking.  Indeed, my daughter thought they were supposed to be black.  When I'd find the anger overwhelming, I'd take marathon walks around town, pushing a stroller.  I was angry.  I was heartbroken.  I was lost.  I was rejected.  

I lost down to a respectable size 14 during all of that self loathing.  It was not a good place, however.  I entered a new career and became busy and my weight slowly crept back up.  Over the next 14 years I found myself steadily growing heavier.  I had very little social life.  I worked, raised my daughter, visited with family, made a few friends...but for the most part I am what is called a "homebody".

Yes, I am lonely.  I am unhappy.  I am unhealthy.  These are statements of mental health.  However, I seek to change this.  I seek to move forward rather than remaining stagnant.  It is not merely a matter of physical weight loss but emotional weight loss.  I don't blame others for my inaction.  However, I must no longer remain still. 

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Albert Einstein

So...let the change begin.